the unexamined life

I'm an addict and I'm ready to come clean. I am completely, totally, utterly, and helplessly addicted to self improvement. The detox I start tomorrow is a case in point. My attempt to adjust my sleep cycle is a case in point (by the by, I have made it out of bed before nine three days running, which, sadly, is a big step forward for me). My veganism, my yoga, my pilates, my sets of exercise DVDs (Winsor Pilates, anyone? How about some Jillian Michaels?), my Oprah Spirit Channel podcasts, my Eckhart Tolle, my gratitude journal, my subscriptions to Real Simple, Women's Health, the happiness project...shall I go on?

For whatever reason, right around when I started graduate school, I decided I had to have a spiritual and physical overhaul. It was as though I woke up and felt any issues I have now in my twenties will remain with me forever unless I work them out in my twenties. Like nail biting. If I'm not stopping in my twenties, will I be a fifty year old with chewed up nails? Clearly this issue must be resolved. Now. Right now. Let's go look at website and enjoy the free counseling on campus to get this matter all taken care of. 

I also decided that I will never again have as much free time as I do now. Busy as my life can get, I can still, on most days, spend a Tuesday at home watching romantic comedies on hulu all day long and the world does not stop turning on its axis. Shocking, I know. And so why I should use all that free time watching Jennifer Aniston fumble through a relationship when I could be out running, or doing squats, or becoming the master of my destiny?

I'm not in anyway saying this is a bad thing. Trying to become a better person is a good goal to have in life, and, overall, I think I am (in specific, small, clearly defined places) a better person for all my efforts at betterment. The trick seems to be finding the balance between self improvement and self destruction. The decision to be better, after all, is based on the premise that there is something to fix or improve upon, and constantly dwelling on all the stuff you want to fix about yourself can become a one-way ticket to couchville.

So how do you find that line? That place where you still have a drive to grow, to live an examined life, and become a person you are proud of without going completely nuts and always feeling disappointed in yourself? Especially in 'the world we live in today' where everybody with a keyboard or videocamera is on a physical or spiritual quest and ever so ready to help you start yours. You can't browse the tv or the web without someone just like you completely reinventing themselves and detailing just how they did it. We seem to be a culture obsessed with self improvement, and I am the target audience. From organizing your closet (which we all know equates to organizing your soul) to running your first marathon (which is the true test of the human spirit). You can do it! We can help! Read: there is something wrong with you and you didn't even know it. But now you do! Hurrah!

The whole dilemma actually reminds me of something notoriousmle said once about exercising, 'Whenever I start going to the gym, I always stop going at some point, so I've decided to no longer start going. Why start the cycle all over again?' I've always found something so lovely about that statement. It never struck me as a defeatist comment but a well reasoned and mature understanding of oneself. Sometimes it's not about stopping a cycle but never starting it to begin with. Maybe becoming a better person is knowing when to start, when to stop, and when to never resume.