money for nothing

I realize that this economic downturn is by and large a very bad thing. But for those of us in academia who can spend Wednesday mornings at a near-empty mall, this recession totally rocks. I scored a cashmere sweater at the BR for 12.99. Now I won't be nearly as angry when the sweater inevitably begins to pill and get holes. Then I went into Aveda to buy a candle, and the super bored employee decided to smear every kind of face cream on me, put lots of product in my hair, and then top it all off with a neck and back massage while I sipped herbal tea. All for the price of a candle (well, and the tea. I love that Aveda tea and finally buckled and bought some). After that I went to the Container Store to pick up our brand new elfa shelving for the 'Master Bedroom' closet. That label kind of cracks me up. It's our only bedroom, so the term 'master' might be overdoing it. How about the 'not the room with the futon' (reach-in) closet (with no interior lighting)? Much more accurate. After they loaded up my car with elfa galore, I went back in to check out some under cabinet solutions. This sweet girl walked me up and down every aisle and listened with such intent as I explained the giant recess of uselessness that is our corner cabinet. I think she really felt my pain. I felt a bit more pain than I was anticipating at the check out. How can a lazy susan be so expensive? It's a plastic circle. A WHEEL. Wheels should not be expensive, especially when its only function is to spin. In a circle. With tupperware on top.

So the moral of the story -- go to the mall. Now. Right now. That chick at Aldo's will be over the moon while you try on nine pairs of boots. She might even toss in the foot pads for free.

ba-leted

I woke up this morning to find a Friend Request from a girl who spent most of middle school tormenting me, high school ignoring me, and one-off meetings after graduation acting like nothing had ever happened. I decided this was the nudge I needed to deactivate my Facebook account. I was a little surprised by just how spot on the choices were for choosing to delete my account: I don't get it; I'm spending too much time on it; I don't feel safe; I'm worried about my privacy. All they need to add is an 'I'm just SO over it' choice and I think all the bases are covered.

Maxxinista

I know they make the employees say it, but every time a TJ Maxx employee picks up one of the items I am buying and tells me in a hushed voice, 'this is a really great deal', I feel like a total winner. Today I went so far as to agree, nodding emphatically and whispering back, 'I know', as if the Calvin Klein himself would appear and demand the full price for his bathmat if I said it too loudly.

bed bath and bemoaning

The husband has just declared the new color of the bathroom to be, and I quote, conducive to pooping. Our cat Henry has declared the paint worthy of being spread all over the hardwood floors in a lovely paw print pattern. I just want to take a shower in our finally finished bathroom.

So far my favorite part of the bathroom renovation has been the mister 'hiding' our California Closets brochure so the plumber wouldn't, you know, get the idea that we're the kind of people who spend too much on home improvement. Instead we're the kind of people who hide things from our plumber. We did, though, manage to knock some off the final price of the vanity installation thanks to the mister's smooth talking, and I can't help but think how much more we could have saved if I had remembered to hide the Kitchenaid mixer. When the electrician comes, I'm replacing all of our furniture with tablecloths draped over boxes.

Leaving The Learning Channel

I was staying in a hotel this past weekend with cable TV and came across every young adult's love-to-hate channel, TLC. You know, the official network of every major life milestone of adulthood: getting engaged, buying a dress, choosing a wedding planner, learning to dance at your wedding, buying a house, renovating the house, and having a baby whether you do or do not realize you are pregnant.

When we were planning the wedding and hunting down the perfect new home, I was sucked into TLC's gravitation pull. I would watch hours of life experiences unfold before me while home visiting my parents for the holidays, and it was flat out exhausting. I think wedding planning in particular is an even more harrowing endeavor nowadays because of things like TLC. I now know more than I could have or cared to have known about what people spend on dresses, food, and quirky dance routines. The more I watched and felt overwhelmed by all the possibilities, the more I wanted to get married in a church followed by a hotel ballroom reception with a cover band and big white cake. Bring on the calligraphy and jordan almonds!

TLC wasn't the only culprit - over this past year I have been susceptible to every wedding on television or in movies, and I quickly became overly aware of the possible square footage of apartments on sitcoms and the layout of the kitchen. 'Well isn't that a clever place to put a pot rack and did you see the wedding photo on the mantle? Looks like an outdoor wedding in the spring...' Add on top of that magazines and blogs, and I was target audience numero uno for every media outlet. From Bridezilla to This Old House, I was ready to watch and buy whatever the advertiser's were selling.

But then this weekend I turned on TLC in the hotel and felt numb as brides-to-be paraded forth in frocks of sequins and pearls. Been there, done that, TLC. What else you got? Oh, someone trying to find a two-bedroom in Portland even though they can only put down 1% of the asking price? Meh. How about a show called 'what the hell were the previous owners of this place thinking when they drilled a bajillion holes into the woodwork?' I would totally watch that. Or, 'which cat tracked poop all over the house?' Riveting!

It is of course a little bittersweet to be past these 'firsts' and to no longer be the target audience for most of the TLC network programming. There's always the baby nonsense that clogs the midday airwaves, but between pooping cats and a husband who goes into toddler hysterics when his blood sugar drops and can only be soothed by the red vines or cheerios stuffed in my giant purse, I think I might just be past that programming as well.