Leaving The Learning Channel

I was staying in a hotel this past weekend with cable TV and came across every young adult's love-to-hate channel, TLC. You know, the official network of every major life milestone of adulthood: getting engaged, buying a dress, choosing a wedding planner, learning to dance at your wedding, buying a house, renovating the house, and having a baby whether you do or do not realize you are pregnant.

When we were planning the wedding and hunting down the perfect new home, I was sucked into TLC's gravitation pull. I would watch hours of life experiences unfold before me while home visiting my parents for the holidays, and it was flat out exhausting. I think wedding planning in particular is an even more harrowing endeavor nowadays because of things like TLC. I now know more than I could have or cared to have known about what people spend on dresses, food, and quirky dance routines. The more I watched and felt overwhelmed by all the possibilities, the more I wanted to get married in a church followed by a hotel ballroom reception with a cover band and big white cake. Bring on the calligraphy and jordan almonds!

TLC wasn't the only culprit - over this past year I have been susceptible to every wedding on television or in movies, and I quickly became overly aware of the possible square footage of apartments on sitcoms and the layout of the kitchen. 'Well isn't that a clever place to put a pot rack and did you see the wedding photo on the mantle? Looks like an outdoor wedding in the spring...' Add on top of that magazines and blogs, and I was target audience numero uno for every media outlet. From Bridezilla to This Old House, I was ready to watch and buy whatever the advertiser's were selling.

But then this weekend I turned on TLC in the hotel and felt numb as brides-to-be paraded forth in frocks of sequins and pearls. Been there, done that, TLC. What else you got? Oh, someone trying to find a two-bedroom in Portland even though they can only put down 1% of the asking price? Meh. How about a show called 'what the hell were the previous owners of this place thinking when they drilled a bajillion holes into the woodwork?' I would totally watch that. Or, 'which cat tracked poop all over the house?' Riveting!

It is of course a little bittersweet to be past these 'firsts' and to no longer be the target audience for most of the TLC network programming. There's always the baby nonsense that clogs the midday airwaves, but between pooping cats and a husband who goes into toddler hysterics when his blood sugar drops and can only be soothed by the red vines or cheerios stuffed in my giant purse, I think I might just be past that programming as well.